i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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