I CAN MOONWALK!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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