My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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