pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
