I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
