I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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