Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
