you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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