i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
