i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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