U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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