**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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