In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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