He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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