nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
