The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
