YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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