proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
