This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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