She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
