Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
