There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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