When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
