Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
