I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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