He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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