Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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