fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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