mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
