I just threw up on my dentist
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So much rum. So many feels.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
