Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
