If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
