We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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