6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
