I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
