i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
