He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you had me at cake vodka
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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