If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
