when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
