I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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