i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
