Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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