also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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