i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
