i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
