why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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