We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
