Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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