If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
