dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
