dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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