When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My cat gives me a boner
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
