I smell stomach acid.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
