everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
