We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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