i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
